Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
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Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Am I having a stroke?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.