Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
good work, everybody
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs