Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
You Might Also Like
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.