[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
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“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”