[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.


My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)


I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.


Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?


‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.


If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.


I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them


Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon