@FauxFawx

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

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@papasuncle

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

@rebrafsim

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@ThisLocalHater

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

@whereami18

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

@whatmaddness

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon