A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”