A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
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Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.