Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
You Might Also Like
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Don’t tell me what to do
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf