“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
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Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”