Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.