SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
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[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO