the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
You Might Also Like
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
My biological clock is wheezing.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
repaired
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.