Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
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I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?