Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Flowers bee like
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
If a snake ate a cake
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.