Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
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a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.