There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
no their not
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
#winning
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods