I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
You Might Also Like
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.