I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am