I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”