A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Harsh but fair
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.