[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
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The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My blood type is b hungry.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous