This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Autocorrect completely socks
Something Saturday.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.