@casual_koala

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

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@envydatropic

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

@sixfootcandy

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

@Smug_Lemur

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

@Be___Dope

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

@NYC_Blonde

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

@sofarrsogud

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

@24HourBitching

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

@thrill_tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?