@casual_koala
@envydatropic Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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@envydatropic 
@sixfootcandy Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
@Smug_Lemur Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
@Be___Dope Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
@NYC_Blonde Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
@KyleDodsonFunny Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
@sofarrsogud OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
@24HourBitching Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
@weinerdog4life Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
@thrill_tweeter Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?