What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
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My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes