I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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Realize this:
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
good work, everybody
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others