The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
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Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Holy shit he’s back
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is