Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*