{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
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Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Waiting for the Charmin
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.