Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.