Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
How to draw a duck
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on