Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
wut hotdog?
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[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.