Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

How do you like your Corgi?

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.