if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
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I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.