My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions