The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
You Might Also Like
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.