I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
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Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
no
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.