me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
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My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go