Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.