My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
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I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
One venti cheeseburger please.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa