Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
You Might Also Like
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.