Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
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I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear