In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Pee pressure > peer pressure
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over