her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Growing up was a huge mistake
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more