Growing up was a huge mistake
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If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!