Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
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[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
forgive me baja for i have blast