“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
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Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.