Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
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My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.