Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
live long and prosper!
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
#ParentingFacts
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further