don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
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“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.