Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Worth remembering.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
oppen heimer style lol
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.