My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“i am a sweet baby”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them