Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
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[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
gm
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔