I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My five year plan is a meteorite
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
moms in horror movies
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.