Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
why would tinder want me to say this
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Bro what is this
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner